"Joke of the Day" Thread

calvinsonic

引用第17楼田鱼于2007-01-29 09:33发表的:
FINALLY someone has come out with a 100% Bipartisan Political bumper sticker.

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
.......

lol....

田鱼

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

田鱼

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

"Hold it, hold it," the fellow said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn't mean we can't work, does it?"

fastjudy

Hahaha... Hot damn! These are good stuff!...hope the rest knows what they are all about...

田鱼

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete.. how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying... know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

田鱼

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia. "If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.
"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don't know an answer, I pay you $50." The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn. "What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?" The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill. "So, what is it?" The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill to the lawyer.

田鱼

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" -- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you -- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" -- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" -- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" -- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

calvinsonic

引用第26楼田鱼于2007-02-02 21:52发表的:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" -- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
.......

hahaha.....this is helarious

fastjudy

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

...hahaha....i fell off my seat on this one...

田鱼

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
''But why?'' asks the man.
''I'm a divorce lawyer."