"Joke of the Day" Thread

田鱼

Jessica, a young blonde woman, was on vacation in Florida and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. She tried to bargain for a lower price, but the shopkeepers would not haggle with her. After becoming very frustrated with one store owner, Jessica shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper just smirked and said, "Little lady, you just go ahead and give it a try!" Jessica headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Late in the afternoon, that shopkeeper was driving home and he saw Jessica standing waist-deep in the murky water of a bayou with a shotgun in her hand. As he stopped and stared at her, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she aimed the shotgun at the alligator's head and killed the creature and dragged it up nto the bank. Then the shopkeeper noticed that there were already seven other dead alligators there. As he watched, Jessica managed to flip the latest alligator onto its back. She clenched her fists and screamed, "Damn it! This one is barefoot too!"

田鱼

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.

"Bring them as well," replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

calvinsonic

dang, nice jokes man, this is what we need to make this section better  

田鱼

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote, "A woman, without her man, is
nothing."

All the females in the class wrote, "A woman: without her, man is
nothing."

田鱼

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos it keeps some things hot and some things cold" "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked."Why, that's a thermos . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles', and some coffee".

田鱼

Three old guys are golfing. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

calvinsonic

引用第15楼田鱼于2007-01-29 00:21发表的:
Three old guys are golfing. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

old folks...

田鱼

FINALLY someone has come out with a 100% Bipartisan Political bumper sticker.

"2008 - RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.

田鱼

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

田鱼

Drive-through ATM

MALE PROCEDURE: -
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Roll down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw money.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Roll window up.
7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE: -
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, roll the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.