"Joke of the Day" Thread

田鱼

  Wow, this forum is dry. Let's have some fun.

Well, blond jokes never get old, and here is one:

A blonde says to her boyfriend, "Please help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to help with the puzzle. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He then takes her hand and says, with a deep sigh,"Secondly, let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

田鱼

A man and a boy went into a barber shop. After the man got a haircut, he put the boy in the barber chair. Then he said, "I'm going to go to the drugstore on the corner and get a pack of gum." The barber gave the boy a haircut but the man never returned. The barber said, "It looks like your dad has forgotten you." The boy replied, "That wasn't my dad. He just saw me on the sidewalk, grabbed me by the hand, and said, 'Come on, we're both going to get a free haircut.'"

田鱼

Found at: http://www.slate.com/id/2208132/

1. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

3. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

4. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."—Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5. "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."—declining to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

6. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''—Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

7. "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006

8. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

9. "I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that."—discussing former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007

10. "And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."—meeting with Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

11. "We ought to make the pie higher."—South Carolina Republican debate, Feb. 15, 2000

12. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

13. "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."—speaking on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

14. "We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston, Sept. 6, 2000

15. "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

16. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."—U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 3, 2000

17. "People say, 'How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?' You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

18. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."—CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

19. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."—on the prospect of visiting Denmark, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2005

20. "I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball."—Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

21. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

22. "You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."—Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

23. "There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.' "—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000

24. "They misunderestimated me."—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

25. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."—Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

fastjudy

LOL... thanks Tian Yu for all the funny jokes you've been contributing all these while....appreciate it!

田鱼

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I need a tooth pulled and I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting to play golf. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for some stupid anesthetic to work so just pull the tooth and be done with it.

The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without anesthetic'

So the dentist asks him, 'Which tooth is it sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth Honey.'

田鱼

Two blonds with hammers, Robin and Donna, were doing some carpenter
work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Donna, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail
it in.

Robin, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
throwing those nails away?'

Donna explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'

Robin got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

swann

引用第108楼田鱼于2008-07-06 06:00发表的:
"You two know nothing about speed. My father Danny is a Postal Worker. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"
.......

ahahahahahaha     

田鱼

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about speed. My father Danny is a Postal Worker. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

hyy5445

hahah, funny

田鱼

Don and Wally spent one night having drinks at the local bar. Wally was too drunk to drive so Don offered to take him home. Don helped Wally up the stairs to his apartment, then guided him into the bedroom. Don turned to leave and saw a big brass gong and a mallet. "Why do you have a gong?", he asked. Wally said, "That's not a gong. It's a talking clock." "Seriously?", Don asked. Wally said, "Yep." Don stared at it and finally asked Wally, "How does it work?" Wally said, "Watch." He picked up the mallet and swung it at the gong, which reverberated with an ear-shattering noise. Don and Wally looked at each other for a few seconds and then someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's two-thirty in the morning!"